Well, here we go. I have in front of me the free, 114 page issues of Tesco's Magazine, its 'Green Issue.' The cover shows happy twenty-somethings with a wicker basket, picking apples off a tree. The magazine promises 78 ways to 'make a difference.' Jolly good, I say.

So let's see what we've got....

The dreaded phrase 'save the planet' appears in the Editorial, page 3. It promises the answer for almost every excuse not to be 'green.' I dislike the way 'green' is suddenly the keyword for almost everything noble and good. You will see from my header that my own soon-to-be-published book is entitled 'Seeking the Green' . I thought long and hard about that title, but in the end because of the links between my pagan path and nature I felt it was appropriate. Tesco's own 'Green Guilt' however is a bit cringe inducing.

It starts off pretty well, in fairness. There is supposed to be a 'Healthy Living' magazine inside somewhere, past the ads for yoghurt and chocolate. I give up, and go back to the beginning. Then it starts. On page 14 I spot the headline 'Start afresh.' It is an advert for household furniture, appliances and various odds and sods such as cushions and towels.

Now hang on. 'Start afresh.' In other words, buy new from Tesco. No make do and mend any more. Buy new. Think about it. We're going to save the planet by - buying new. So much for recycling then. CHuck your old stuff out and hope that someone else can use it.

It continues.... on page 20 we have 'Face up to autumn' aka buy a whole new range of beauty products. Not - 'how to use what you already have to make yourself look stunning' or 'adapt to autumn'. Just buy new. Hardly the best way to save the planet is it? And you can't expect anyone else to want your old cast-off cosmetics, so into the bin with them. Just remember to recycle the packagine.

And so on. Pot Noodles have a whole page to themselves despite the 'Healthy Living' section. The two sit uncomfortably together.

The real fun begins on page 27, 'Tomorrow's world - the planet needs our help.' I agree with these sentiments. We should be thinking of tomorrow. We should treat the planet with love and respect. I turn over to 'Meet the people helping the world.'

One of these is responsible for 'green products and packagin in all Tesco stores.' (now there's someone I'd like a word with....) Another is an interior designer, helping others to make their homes 'as environmentally friendly as possible.' Aye, there's the rub. 'As possible.' What exactly does that mean? Whatever we want it to, I expect.

Another of these blessed souls is even the Rock STar, Midge Ure, who has lobbied 'some of the most powerful leaders in the world about environmental issues,' and 'headlines a green themese concert in Bath'.

But the real chestnut comes on page 36. There the great headline 'SOS PLANET EARTH' (and no, I'm not shouting, it comes in capitals') grabs my attention. Alongside is a sketch of the globe and the banner 'Wind farms worldwide produce enough power to service 47 million people.' Sounds great, doesn't it. Go and buy your windmills now!

Now calm down and think about it. Forty seven million people. That's not even the population of a tiny island like the UK. In fact, it's only three-quarters of the UK's current population. And that's if we put up wind turbines all over the world.

Okay, I need a rest here from all this ranting. I hope now I have inspired you to try and read between the lines a bit, to realise that 'Saving the Planet' has been cynically hijacked by politicians and big business.

If I recover from frothing at the mouth and managed to spit out the carpet I shall be back later.